One Petal at a Time

Thank you Miranda for sharing your perspective. I must say, after reading "Miss Fiorella TS Essay" I certainly understand why you were pondering when you wrote this. I was only able to get half-way through her article before the bile started rising in my throat. This is not a pleasant read, my dear! The author is so bitter, so harsh, so misfortunate. She labels transgendered people into cut-and-dried categories, then proceeds to rant on about the trials and tribulations of every TS's life.

She makes it seem that a huge fatalistic choice must be made, throwing one's life completely away, describing every possible worst-case scenario, as though it were most likely to happen. She makes no allowance for living a harmonious duality of male/female, compares supportive partners to "winning a lottery", and is harshly pessimistic about the ability of a TS person to maintain any part of the former male life (ie: marriage, career, family). I simply couldn't read the whole article, it was too discouraging. No wonder you felt beat-up!

I think part of your angst stems from this internal pressure that your TG journey should follow a linear progressive path toward some end. It may be due to your inner drive and self-competitive nature where you always want to beat your last best score. It seems you either want to take Miranda to some different level, or shut her out altogether. Perhaps it is possible to focus more in the moment, just dwelling today on the feminine gifts that you already have, rather than wishing for something else. Let your feminine energy flow naturally, and let its warmth envelope you, rather than trying to push/pull it in some certain direction.

Wherever your lifepath takes you, Miranda will be there too. No matter whether you choose to keep her inside, or bring her out on the surface, her presence lives within you. You mention fast losing interest in the internet and virtual female existence, yet this is the only self-expression that Miranda has at the moment. Every time you go online, Miranda takes a breath of air. Maybe she's bored, but at least she's breathing! And remember, you don't have to be "dressed" to be her... gender is 98% in the brain, the rest is just icing on the cake.

This being said, is there any way you could take time to dress up once in awhile? As Adara mentioned, self-empowerment is required in some situations. You feel disempowered right now because you don't have the same career position as you once did, yet you still have the right to *be* who you are. Such personal choices as dressing and esthetics do not harm anyone, so you should take the liberty to do what makes you happy. If you are happy, you will be a better spouse and parent. This is a win-win cycle. When pondering how far to allow Miranda to come out, remember there is a big spectrum of options in between occasional CD'ing and full time transitioning.

Just relax dear, don't be so goal-oriented. You don't need to make any big life-altering decisions right now. Just blossom into your femininity one petal at a time.

Originally posted in response to: http://genderevolve.blogspot.com/2006/01/on-golden-pondering.html