Am I transgendered?

June 15, 2005

I recently commented that I’ve always felt like a man “trapped” in a woman’s body, and received several responses questioning whether I am identifying myself as transgendered by making this statement. I say “trapped” with tongue in cheek, because I would never want it any other way.

I used to work as a stock broker, in a position where all of my peers were older men. These men seemed to easily recognize and accept my inherant masculinity and started calling me Michael, Mikey or just Mike (my name is Michele). One day after market close we were having drinks, and I proudly proclaimed to this group of manly-men that I am a “gay man trapped in a woman’s body”. They all laughed, and one of them even pointed out the irony of my statement by saying, “well then how the hell are you trapped?”.

Paradoxically, my comment didn't phase these guys. If it had been a man saying the same in reverse, the social consequences might have been different. Pondering more closely upon the subject it would be most accurate to say that in spirit I am a gay male crossdresser residing very comfortably in a petite female body.

To explain what I mean...

1) By gay, I mean that my relationship preference has in the past always been with men, so if I were in a man's body I would be considered gay (although more recently I would consider myself bisexual, or better yet, pansexual).

2) By male I mean I have an abundance of yang energy. I have always related more easily to men, been more interested in male dominated career pursuits like finance and business, excelled in male dominated educational subjects like math and science, I tend to be aggressive and competitive with males, and generally lack in most feminine interests or qualities.

3) By crossdresser I mean because I adore femmie clothing, makeup, shoes, so much that if I were in a man's body I would be a crossdresser. My exterior is about the only thing about me that is blatently female, except when working I wear dark colored power suits to fit in with the guys.

So in spirit I feel like a gay male who crossdresses as often as possible, but only because I love having a female exterior. Despite my masculine personality, I prefer to be recognized as female. I am not at all the stereotypical “butch” woman.

So with the spirit of a gay male crossdresser, I'm lucky to have a female body because people think I'm just a straight female dressed as a woman. I’ve always felt like I’m somehow in disguise, like I have a little secret. I have never felt any urge to change this, or to hide my femininity. I wouldn't give up the very real power that comes with feminine allure for anything.

Since my inner self (male) does not match my outer shell (female), am I transgendered? It may be so, I’ve just never looked at it that way before. Or is the definition of transgendered based upon feelings of pain and anguish caused by the inner/outer gender mismatch? While knowing I have a male spirit, I want to continue living in a female body. Do I fit the definition of transgendered?I am very interested in receiving some different viewpoints on this topic, so please do share your thoughts.

Originally posted at http://genderevolve.blogspot.com/2005/06/am-i-transgendered.html