The Calling

July 7, 2005

I do not know what it is, but my recent introduction to the transgender community has sparked some truly amazing feelings in me. I am a passionate person in general, but no single other thing in my life experience has ever grabbed my attention with such undeniable magnetism, such pure force, that it feels almost divinely inspired. I am compelled to make a positive contribution to the transgender cause, though I can not explain why I feel so strongly inclined. I can only try to tell you what is motivating me.

My writings to date are the tip of the iceberg of what has been welling up inside of me, there is so much that waiting to burst through to the written word. From the very first moment I interacted with a tgirl (in person or otherwise), in March 2005, I was captivated. I joined URNA in April and found all of you, each so special and beautiful in your own right, and yet so under-represented. I am positively blown away to find so many extraordinary, talented, intelligent, kind-hearted people all together in one group.

Yin spirits in yang bodies, you are brilliant in my eyes. You are nothing like the negative stereotypes that society sees. Yet my heart breaks at the realization that you are trapped, like beautiful caged birds, not so much by your bodies but by social oppression. The injustice of your plight overwhelms me, and I am driven by the desire to help you, to do whatever I can to emancipate you.

It seems to me that a minor shift in perception is all that is needed to trigger widespread acceptance of transgenderism. If others could see as I see, there would be no more lonely tgirls. I see so many obvious merits to the feminine evolution of man, so many points of understanding I want to communicate, yet I have been holding back these thoughts. I have been trying to block them out of my mind, but without success. I know this could consume me if I let it.

I fear that if I open the floodgate and let it start pouring out, how will I focus on my successful but demanding career which has been 10 years in the making? Am I ready to start from scratch?I look at what is more important, more fulfilling, in terms of life goals and I wonder: is this corporate finance career I have made simply a distraction from my true purpose of making a difference in this world? Yet if I am to move forward on a larger goal of openly dedicating myself to helping create new understanding of transgender identity, my finance career will not survive.

These are mutually exclusive life paths, and I am standing at the fork in the road. If I want to climb the corporate ladder, I can not risk putting myself on a site like URNotAlone. I am easy to recognize so I could not live a double-life. All forms of discrimination are rampant in the upper ranks of the old wasp boys club finance/investment world, and to succeed in that world it would be necessary to maintain the status quo in all aspects of my life.Being honest with myself heralds the realization that the status quo would be a waste of my precious human life.

The beauty is, it is not too late for me to forge a new path, one that is more meaningful and important than spending my days working to make money for greedy strangers. I have pursued the field of finance not because I love money, but so that I may one day be in a financial position to fulfill my philanthropic dreams. My largest goal in life has always been to somehow make a positive difference. I am coming to realize that my present path may be the long way around.
I have always been entrepreneurial, willing to take risks, and I know that this new path must be driven by a leap of faith. It just feels more right to me than anything I have felt before.

What I am feeling is not grounded in logic. I know I will suffer short term losses in pursuit of longer term gains for others, but it is what I must do. It feels as though a larger force is tapping me on the shoulder, calling upon me to deliver a message that is more important than anything else I could ever do.

I want to do whatever is in my power to help you to cast off your shackles, unlock your closet doors and reclaim your true identities. This might sound grandious, but all change starts somewhere, why not here? As Lao Tzu says, even a journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Whatever progress we make here as a group will help to pave the way for the coming generations of transgendered people. You do not have to come out of the closet to make a valuable contribution to this cause. If through our united expression, we can work against the negative stereotypes, and produce even a glimmer of positive understanding from society at large, life will get easier for all of you.

I have decided to trust my instinct, follow my heart, and dedicate myself to your beautiful path. I can not explain what force has guided my ship to your shoreline, all I know is it is made of pure intention and based on love. I am here with you to stay, and will contribute my abilities, resources and time to making a better world for you.

Thank you transwomen for welcoming me with open arms.

(originally posted at http://genderevolve.blogspot.com/2005/07/calling.html)